Fred Rogers, Booked

Charge: Excessive kindness in the first degree.

Authorities say he was caught in the act of unsolicited sweater distribution, followed by multiple counts of emotional support without a license.

This is not a drill. It’s a cardigan crackdown.

Let’s be clear: this image is more fake than the Land of Make-Believe’s property taxes.

File this under: “Things That Would Absolutely Never Happen” — right next to unicorn tax fraud and Big Bird in a bar fight.

Bail was set at five acts of compassion and a juice box.

Fred’s statement? “It’s a beautiful day for due process.”